I launched this website in 2012, and here now a decade later I am writing my final blog entry. This decade was quite remarkable for me, starting with immense suffering which ultimately transcended into an amazing spiritual journey, that which I am eternally grateful for now and view it as the greatest gift in my life. The catalyst started on April 2, 2011 when I woke up one day with a mystery arm pain that would send me down dozens of rabbit holes in the medical community. it was only after going to the ER four times and seeing over forty doctors conducting multiple tests did I discover that the problem was emotional pain in my mind and this was psychosomatic. None of these forty doctors asked me what was going on in my life which I now consider a profound tragedy. This website was my cathartic way to articulate the path on how my journey unfolded with each new discovery on the fascinating unity of Mind, Body and Soul.

They say illness is a teacher that can lead you to your truth, that suffering transmutes into consciousness. That may sound esoteric, but it is precisely what happened to me. My illness was the catalyst for my awakening but the arc of my journey was long and painful. For me, and most people that are fortunate to go down this path, suffering is necessary until it no longer is necessary. Because ultimately one becomes exhausted and finally turns inward, questioning what is going on in their life. Ideally, it starts with compassionate curiosity which leads to awareness, as it did for me. My awareness started with the realization of an incessant voice in my head that never stopped talking and was an inner bully.

When I first discovered this voice in my head, it nearly drove me insane. It was as if the noise level of my thoughts was cranked up to max volume. It was all I could hear as it was loud and boisterous, and I was shocked to discover how negative and abusive it was. I would never tolerate a friend speaking to me like this and yet this voice was coming from within. Things were always wrong, or going to be wrong, according to this inner voice and much of it was my fault. The constant stream of thoughts was relentless, drowning out all external noises to the point where everything just felt like noise on noise. I was so desperate for quiet and inner peace that I sold my tv and stopped listening to music in an attempt to quiet the noise, but this proved to be elusive. Later, I would come to realize this was the beginning of my awakening, albeit an incredibly challenging time in my life with immense suffering. But suffering can ultimately transmute into consciousness and my first opening was like cracking the shell of a hardboiled egg, allowing some light to shine in.

So, what does it meant to “wake up”? When you no longer identify with your mind and reconnect to Self. Both of these can be daunting processes and don’t typically happen concurrently nor need to happen sequentially. But to heal, and feel whole with joy and vitality, I would assert both need to occur.

Identification with your mind means you are trapped in your mind, trapped in thinking. Have a look around when you see people lost in thought or staring at their phones, they are completely unconscious. Most people are lost in thought the majority of their day. In this state, all your mind activity, your thought patterns, become yours because you are your thoughts. It’s like watching a movie but being IN the movie. You are so immersed in your thoughts and identify with every thought that this becomes who you are. Or so you think as this creates a false sense of self, which is your ego. You don’t know any better because that’s all you know, like a fish swimming in water. If you ask the fish how’s the water, they will reply, what’s water? It is the same when you are unconsciously trapped in thought as you are immersed in thoughts and therefore ARE your thoughts. And this becomes your identity, your story. You’re stuck in the movie, unable to observe it as a participant. 

But when you wake up, you transcend your mind and realize you are not your thoughts. You are no longer immersed in thoughts, but rather can observe them and make a conscious decision of whether you want to cling and attach to them. I often use the metaphor of a river, where once you were immersed in the water (thoughts) but now stepped out up on a riverbank and can observe the river flowing below. You create space and separation from thought which is your first glimpse of freedom. It is a subtle but powerful shift to experience as now you can observe the running stream of thoughts but choose which to cling and attach to. This separation ultimately becomes the death of the ego, because you no longer have the need to defend the narrative constantly running in your head. Until this shift, the precious ego will defend itself to be right at all costs, as being right is more important to the ego than creating a healthy life for it. When you crack through this facade, there is nothing more to defend.

Once you get a taste of this freedom, you can now start to dissolve your mental constructs of limitations and constraints. All the self-held beliefs you accumulated and cling so tightly to can slowly be questioned, released and resolved. All the stories you told yourself and the narrative you created can be gently looked at with compassionate curiosity. Such was the shift for me when I woke up. I am no longer trying to reconcile my past nor predict my future but rather move at the speed of life in the present moment. It offers a more intimate relationship with reality because I am not weighed down in thought. My mind is far calmer, without all the thoughts whirling and swirling above which expend an enormous amount of energy. It was all so exhausting and consumed my mental energy, as many of you know. Because I am not dwelling in the past or anxious for the future, I collapse time and can be in the present moment. My mantra, Let Go/Don’t Know, means to let go of the past and be comfortable not knowing what the future holds. I now experience life far more in this moment, without resistance and with acceptance to what is unfolding before me. My suffering has diminished greatly because wherever there is resistance in one’s life, there will be suffering. By quieting all the noise and mind activity, I found a sense of inner peace and joy and vitality I’ve never experienced before.

Lastly, I can now move through emotions better and not get emotional indigestion as the emotions don’t get stuck within me. I now see emotions as information and a best guess on how to intuitively manage a situation but not dwell in the emotion as emotions are typically stuck in time (the past). And just as my thoughts are not all true, my feelings are not facts, they are real to me but not necessarily true. I still maintain my persona, my personal reality, but I’ve now created space and separation to observe all this activity as a witnessing consciousness. I once was in the movie but now with present moment awareness comfortably watch the movie of my life playing in the foreground as I sit in my seat in the background. As a result, all of my ego created persona unravels allowing my true, authentic Self to emerge. This is what I mean by no longer identifying with your mind, the false sense of self, your ego. 

Connection to Self means to discover your authentic, true essence. It means to be in touch with your thoughts, feelings and emotions and how all this can manifest and affect our bodies. Dis-ease, when we are not at ease, can turn into disease. Initially, I was exploring the connection between Mind and Body but now come to realize that is not accurate as it implies they are separate entities connected to each other whereas I now refer to it as the Mind/Body unity as it is one system. When this system is whole and healthy, without blockages or resistance, an upward flow of energy called Shakti resonates within us which allows for pure joy and vitality. 

But most of us block this natural flow of energy. We block it by suppressing anger or by not being in touch with our true feelings or authentic self.  We get emotional indigestion as we cannot move through our emotions. Over time, when we suppress rage or get stuck with harmful emotions, it manifests in our bodies in the form of autoimmune diseases, IBS, migraines, rheumatoid arthritis, plantar fascia and so much more. For me, it showed up as my mystery arm pain.  As I learned to connect to Self, I became keenly aware of the signals in my body; rather than ignore them or numb them with meds, I become very still and with compassionate curiosity would ask why? What is my body telling me? Our minds lie to ourselves all the time but the body never lies. This is how an illness can be our greatest teacher and lead us to our truth.

So how did we disconnect in the first place and what is the path to reconnect to Self? When we were babies, we were fully connected to Self. We cried, laughed, threw tantrums without any recourse. But then one day we were told we were bad and we now have to behave a certain way if we still want to be loved and accepted. Thus starts the conundrum of Attachment vs Authenticity. Our desire to attach, to be connected, is so strong that we change our behavior to fit in. We suppress our anger, our feelings, our authentic Self to be accepted by family and friends. Many of us, including myself, become people pleasers just to fit in, suppressing our needs and emotions. This is an unconscious adaptive response, a coping mechanism, which served us well when we were younger but now becomes harmful in our adult lives. It leads to anxiety, depression and ADHD and so many diseases as we disconnect from Self. The word depression literally means to push down, and it is our anger and needs that we push down in order to fit in or be loved. Suppressed emotions also cause inflammation and what we suppress will ultimately come to the surface in our body in the form of eczema, IBS and autoimmune diseases and so much more.

To reconnect to Self, we need to understand our emotional landscape, what is driving our thinking and behaviors. We need to listen: to observe our thoughts without immersing ourselves in thought patterns; to trust our instincts and gut feelings; to be consciously aware of the signals our bodies tell ourselves; to understand the cause and not just treat the symptoms. If we have an addiction, don’t ask why the addiction but rather why the pain? If we have a chronic illness or disease, investigate where in our life we are suppressing anger and rage. The body is a remarkable healing mechanism but needs to be in sync with our mind for full Mind/Body unity to heal and feel whole. There have been countless stories of patients with terminal illnesses that miraculously recover by reconnection to Self. But it can also heal all the nagging disorders and mental health issues too. To be healthy and happy is your natural state of being, it is all these adaptive responses to life that we engage in to cope with challenging issues in our lives that block this natural flow of energy.  And when connected to Self, there is no sense of lack because you already feel whole, there is an abundance of peace and love within so you don’t need to seek it externally. In other words, you ultimately realize that the love and happiness that you are striving for in relationships and material possessions is already inherent within you. This freedom of no longer seeking from the outside world is immensely powerful and will shift your energy and paradigm on how you veiw the world.

The good news is that you don’t need an illness or to suffer immensely to wake up. With intention and awareness you can disidentify from your mind and reconnect to Self. But there typically needs to be a catalyst as we are so immersed in thought, like a fish in water, that we cannot recognize our unconscious behavior. Wonderful tools like meditation, mindfulness and journaling can help us observe our mind activity and transcend thought but it can be a challenging journey. Just know that your true essence and connection to Self is always available to you, that it is blocked like clouds blocking the sun. But our witnessing consciousness, our seat of Self, is always there just as the sun is so just know your true essence is always available to you. My hope is more embark on this journey, it is the greatest gift we can offer ourselves.